End-of-life support
End-of-life support is one of those experiences that are difficult to prepare for. You may be close to someone who is seriously ill, support them every day, arrange practical matters, talk to doctors, manage medication, organise help and, at the same time, feel that something is happening inside you for which there is no space left.
Sometimes fear of death appears. Sometimes helplessness, anger, sadness, guilt or a kind of exhaustion that does not feel acceptable to show. Sometimes the hardest part is having to be strong, even when you no longer have the strength to do so.
I am a psychologist and I support adults who are facing illness, dying, fear of loss or accompanying someone close in the final stage of life. You can read more about who I am and how I understand psychological support on the page Psychologist Marta Korsak. Sessions are available in person in Bydgoszcz and online.
You do not need to know how to talk about it. We can begin with the fact that it is difficult.
When you are beside someone who is ill or dying
Being beside someone who is ill or dying can mean many different things. Sometimes it means everyday care. Sometimes conversations in which you do not know what to say. Sometimes silence by the bed. Sometimes a phone call you are afraid to answer. Sometimes trying to keep life normal while everything inside feels tense.
You may feel that you have to be available, calm, reasonable, helpful and ready for everything. You may feel that your own emotions need to be put aside because “the ill person is what matters now”. And yet your emotions matter too.
End-of-life support does not mean that you must stop feeling. It does not mean that you have to carry everything alone. It does not mean that your tiredness, anger, fear or helplessness are wrong.
You do not have to be perfect support. Sometimes it is enough to be a human being who also needs space for what they are experiencing.
What may be happening inside you
When someone close to you is ill, weakening or approaching the end of life, many conflicting feelings may appear inside. Not all of them are easy to say out loud. Not all of them fit the image of what a “supportive person” is supposed to feel.
These may include:
Fear
Fear may be connected with death, pain, suffering, loneliness, the future or the sense that you will not know what to do in an important moment. Sometimes fear does not have one clear source. It is simply present in the body, in thoughts and in daily tension.
Helplessness
You may deeply want to help and, at the same time, see that there are many things you cannot control. Helplessness can be especially painful here, because love and care do not always make it possible to stop the illness.
Anger
Anger may appear towards the illness, fate, doctors, family, yourself or sometimes even the ill person. This can be difficult to admit, but it does not mean a lack of love. Often, it means overload, powerlessness and enormous tension.
Guilt
You may return to questions: am I doing enough, should I be there more often, am I speaking in the right way, have I failed, do I have the right to rest? Guilt can become very heavy, especially when the situation lasts a long time.
Exhaustion
Care, tension and constant alertness can be mentally and physically exhausting. Even if you love the person who is ill very much, you may be tired. This is not proof of indifference. It is a signal that your resources also have limits.
Loneliness
Being close to someone who is dying can feel lonely even when there are other people around. Sometimes it is hard to find someone with whom you can say everything – including what feels ugly, difficult, uncomfortable or contradictory.
Psychological support in illness
Psychological support in illness can be important both for the person who is ill and for their loved ones. Illness can change the way a person thinks about the body, time, the future, relationships and independence. Fear may appear around pain, dependence, loss of control or death.
In a conversation, there may be space for questions that are difficult to say within the family. For tiredness with treatment, anger at the body, fear of suffering, the need for dignity, the need for silence or the need to say something that previously had no place to be said.
This is not about pretending to be calm. It is also not about quickly “getting used to” what is difficult. Sometimes what helps is the possibility of naming calmly what is happening inside, without needing to protect others from your own fear. If you are not sure whether this form of help fits your situation, you can also check the broader scope of psychological support.
Support for loved ones of a dying person
Support for loved ones of a dying person is important because those who accompany someone often remain alone with their own tension. On the outside, they organise, care, answer calls, speak with family and try to keep everything together. Inside, they may feel that something is falling apart.
You may find it difficult to rest. You may be afraid to leave your phone. You may feel guilty when you do something for yourself. You may not know how to speak with the person who is ill. You may avoid the topic of death, even though it is present between the words anyway.
A conversation with a psychologist can be a place where you do not have to pretend that “somehow you are managing”. You can speak about fear, exhaustion, anger, helplessness, guilt or the fact that you do not know how to be beside someone in this situation.
You may consider reaching out if:
Talking about dying
Talking about dying is difficult not because you need perfect words. It is difficult because it touches things that are simple and painful at the same time: love, loss, fear, saying goodbye, guilt, gratitude, helplessness and the fact that not everything can be fixed.
Sometimes you do not know whether to ask. Sometimes you do not know whether to remain silent. Sometimes there is fear that one sentence may hurt someone, frighten them or take away hope. Sometimes loved ones avoid the subject because they want to protect the ill person. Sometimes the ill person remains silent because they want to protect their loved ones.
In a psychological conversation, it is possible to look at this calmly. Not to create a perfect script. Rather to see what is possible, what you fear, what you need and how you can be present without pretending that all of this is simple.
Not every conversation has to be big. Not every goodbye needs perfect words. Sometimes what matters is presence, simplicity and permission for things to be difficult.
When the topic of death begins to take too much space
Fear of death may appear in the person who is ill, but also in their loved ones. It may return in the evening, before sleep, after a conversation with a doctor, after a deterioration in health or in ordinary everyday situations. It may be connected with dying itself, pain, separation, loneliness, dependence on others or loss of control.
If the topic of death begins to take up a lot of space in your thoughts, a conversation can help you calmly distinguish what you can influence from what cannot be controlled. It can also help name the fear instead of fighting with it alone.
You can also read the article Why are we afraid of death? if you want to better understand where fear of death may come from and why it can affect everyday life so strongly.
If the death of someone close has already happened and you are looking for content about what may happen after a loss, the page Grief and loss may be more appropriate.
How psychological support during illness and dying may look
The first conversation does not require preparation. You do not need to know where to begin. You do not need an organised story or a ready list of topics. You can come with what feels most alive right now.
Step 1 – You write or call
You can contact me through the form, by email or by phone. A short message is enough: that you would like to schedule a conversation and that it concerns illness, dying, fear or accompanying someone close.
Step 2 – We schedule the first conversation
One session lasts 50 minutes and can take place in person in Bydgoszcz or online. During the first meeting, we can calmly look at what is happening, how it affects your life and what you may need in the nearest future.
Step 3 – We make space for what is difficult
The conversation may concern fear, helplessness, exhaustion, anger, guilt, the relationship with the ill person, conversations with family, the boundaries of care or how to endure a situation that cannot be easily changed.
You can read more about how sessions work and what my work is based on on the page How I work.
What this page does not replace
This page can help name part of the experience connected with illness, dying and accompanying someone close, but it does not replace an individual conversation with a psychologist, medical consultation, palliative care, hospice care or urgent help in a life- or health-threatening situation.
End-of-life care and palliative care may include medical care, symptom management and psychological, social or spiritual support for the person who is ill and for their family or carers. You can read more about this on the NHS page about end-of-life care and the WHO page about palliative care.
If suicidal thoughts appear, if there is an intention to hurt yourself, an immediate threat to life or health, or concern that someone close may be in danger, do not wait for a standard consultation date. In such a situation, safety here and now is the priority: call the emergency number 112, go to an emergency department, hospital admissions unit or contact emergency medical services.
Sessions in Bydgoszcz and online
Sessions are available in person in Bydgoszcz and online. One consultation lasts 50 minutes. The fee is 300 zł. After a phone message, email or contact form submission, I reply within 48 hours.
In the first message, you do not need to describe everything in detail. You can simply write: “I would like to schedule a conversation because I am accompanying someone close through illness” and add whether you prefer an in-person or online session.